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Abusive Relationships
 Although our relationships with friends, siblings, parents, intimate partners, and colleagues enrich and fulfill our lives in many ways, they can also be harmful to our health. Abusive relationships include those that are emotionally and/ or physically harmful. Emotionally abusive relationships are as damaging, or sometimes more damaging, than physically abusive ones and are far more common. Emotional abuse typically alternates with statements of love or promises to change. Abusive relationships only get worse over time and can only change with sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. |
These relationships cannot be changed from one side. It takes mutual honesty, openness, and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. If the abusive person is unwilling to own their behavior and to seek help, you need to remove yourself from the situation. This is painful, but generally safer and ultimately better for both parties. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave and seek help before and after you leave to learn how to protect and care for yourself.
Sometimes abuse is easy to spot, but other times the abuse may take subtle forms that may be hard to identify. In general, abusive relationships have a serious power imbalance.
Relationship Violence at Skidmore
4.4% reported that they had been kicked, hit, shoved, pushed, or otherwise hurt by someone they were in a relationship with
Reporting
58% of students reported that they were either extremely likely to report, or that they would definitely report if they were the victim of a sexual assault.
In reality, far fewer come forward.
Features of healthy relationships include
- Talking and acting in a way that allows the other person to feel safe and comfortable doing and saying things
- Listening in a non judgmental way
- Valuing the other person’s opinions
- Respecting the other persons feelings, friends, and activities and their right to have them
- Accepting responsibility and admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.
- Communicating openly and truthfully
Features of abusive relationships include
- Using intimidation (looks, actions or gestures)
- Putting the other person down or calling them names
- Making the other person feel bad about themselves
- “Checking up” on the other person’s activities or whereabouts
- Playing mind games
- Using shame or humiliation to make the other person feel guilty
- Controlling what the other person does, who they see and talk to, what they read, and where they go
- Limiting the other person’s outside involvement
- Using jealousy to justify actions
- Making physical threats
- Smashing or destroying things
Remember, abuse does not have to come from an intimate partner. It can come from parents, friends, coworkers, employers, or anyone else who you have a relationship with.
Some suggestions for coping with an unhealthy relationship include:
- Start a dialogue - communicate with the other person about the problem, what might be done to make it better, and what you need from the other person. Focus on communication, not confrontation.
- Distance yourself - This can be either by physically distancing yourself from the abusive individual, or by refusing to engage in unhealthy relationship behaviors (not arguing, not getting angry, and not trying to make things better). Sometimes toxic people give up when they are not able to get under your skin.
- Consult a professional - A therapist or counselor can help people to recognize and change their behavior patterns. Changes in how you act and react can trigger changes in others. The Counseling Center has a staff of trained professionals who are experienced in this area, use them as a resource.
- Save yourself - Remember nothing is worth compromising your mental or physical health. If you need to get out of the relationship, do so.
You can make an appointment at the Counseling Center by stopping by their office on the first floor of Jonsson Tower or by calling 580-5555
